And then there was my post divorce insanity…
In which Starr lost her mind
And her dignity (if I ever actually had it)
And well… I’ve told my kids that I will pay for their therapy. Still… They seem to be ok so far.
It was crazy.
I so wanted to do anything rather than feel the pain of the loss of 20 years of being married to someone I grew up with, had children with, depended on… For everything.
And believe me when I say… I was not fun to be married to.
I just shake my head.
But anyway… It ended, and I threw myself into the dating world. I was in search of the TRUE love of my life.
Funnily enough, I pretty much thought that just about every guy who came along was THE ONE.
Even while declaring that the only one to rescue me was me.
Even while I tried to deal with the absolute anger that I felt… There were levels of rage that came out that terrified me.
Even while I was the model of strength and understanding at work.
Yeah… I was living a lie… I stayed busy so that I could keep running away from the truth.
My weekdays were filled with the image of the dependable single mom who had everything handled.
My weekends were absolute mayhem. I was a picture of extremes.
And then… I fell in love with someone who told me…HE SAID OUT LOUD TO ME… that he wasn’t boyfriend material.
It didn’t matter.
My love would change him.
I could fix him.
He would be so grateful for my eternal love that one day he would look at me and realize that he needed me and loved me above all others.
I still roll my eyes at that one.
And by now, you know the rest of the story.
I broke my heart.
I did it… It wasn’t his fault. I didn’t listen.
I built this fantasy world and ended up dancing by myself…it was me. I betrayed myself.
And so, when I met a man who was completely opposite of my bad boy “not boyfriend material” guy…
I dove right in.
I mean seriously… Why would I ever stop to actually heal when I could just find someone else?
Sigh
And all it took was to just be who this new guy wanted me to be.
Even tho it wasn’t really me.
Even tho I hadn’t actually taken the time to figure out if I really wanted to be with him.
Even tho he told me his business would always come first.
I thought I could fix him.
I thought he would change.
I thought he would be so grateful..
And when he asked me to marry him… I said yes.
Because I didn’t know how to say no.
And I got caught in my own trap.
Funnily enough… On our wedding night I snuck off to bed by myself… Without saying good night to him or anyone else… And went to sleep.
Who does that?
I help women who aren’t sure who they are
I help women who have everything in their life handled except that one thing
I help women who would really love to claim their own power over their own life.
continue to Chapter 3 – Living a Lie
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