… It’s been 2 years, well I guess 3 since my 2nd divorce.
I’ll admit… I went a bit crazy again after my 2nd marriage ended. And well… The old patterns started showing up again. But this time I had a lot more knowledge. And I had a really supportive circle of friends.
I had friends in my life who loved me… And I soon tired of the chaos that I tried to create. It took about 6 months of crazy and a couple of really good coaches to help me but eventually I stabilized.
There were some fast and furious love affairs, but eventually I figured out that if I didn’t treasure my heart, no one else would.
And then I learned to say no.
And then I decided that as much as I desired to find love, I would be ok with myself.
I gathered my friends around me and I told them truth about my life. I admitted that I was a serial monogamist and I decided that it was time to just come clean and ask for their support. They loved me and they were happy to support me. And I used their love and care for me as a measure by which to evaluate any man who came into my life.
I developed rules of conduct for myself and standards of behavior that I expected. I said no a lot and I worked at being friends with people before declaring my love for them.
One day, I was looking on OK Cupid and there was this guy with a great smile.
When Scott Hoffman came into my life. I was still a bit of a mess… I still had demons that had to be worked through, but then so did he. I would cry whenever he left at the end of a weekend together. It bothered him a little… probably a lot, but he would stay for a while and hold me and let me know it was OK. He would text me as soon as he got home and the next morning. He kept his word and never lied.
And he just let me be me.
And he was magic.
He had Tarot cards.
He talked about spiritual stuff and didn’t blink when I said I had guides. He dug it when I taught him about Internal Family Systems and we came up with names for of our crazy chaotic parts… And just learned together how to work with them. We referred to them as The Band.
And when he couldn’t say he loved me…he told me I was his favorite person.
And since I couldn’t say I love you… We decided that we could just say “three words” because, well… Anybody could say I love you and not really mean it.
And we kept asking each other “I get that you dig the fun me… But can you accept my darkness?”
And we just decided that together, we could. We figured falling in love is just about finding someone else’s version of crazy that you can live with.
We met in May, by September we decided to move in together.
When we came up to Kingman to see my mom that Thanksgiving, we passed by a road called Milky Way… And we looked at each other and said…”we gotta move up here!”. We just knew.
When we moved up here the following March… I dropped everything. I had been trying to build a coaching business, I dropped it. I literally did nothing for 6 months. And we scraped by.
Then a friend called and asked if I would do some Virtual Assistant work for her. I said sure. Then she kept introducing me to other people who needed a VA… And I took on more clients.
Then one of my clients needed me to take her branding course. I took it… And she kept asking the question “what is seeking to emerge through you”
By the end of the 9 week course, I had 6 VA clients lined up… But I also knew that I was being called on by Spirit to do readings for people.
I tried branding myself as The Intuitive VA
But that wasn’t it
Intuitive and VA were separate
And soon I realized that whatever is trying to emerge through me is so much bigger than I can imagine.
I’m a coach.
I always have been
I’m an intuitive
I always have been
And it was time for me to tell the truth about who I am to everyone.
I teach women to live their lives OUT LOUD
I teach women to love themselves so that they can find the love they desire
I teach women to find their purpose and to discover the answer to the question “what is seeking to emerge through me and as me”
I love my life. 😊
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And worse than that… He had a LOT of money and he married me because I didn’t really think money was that important.
Funnily enough apparently, I also didn’t think my integrity was that important either.
Now… 10 years later, I can tell you that my integrity is more important than just about anything. I have to look at myself in the mirror each day and I like me. I respect me, I trust me.
I didn’t then.
I always say, it’s a hell of a thing to have your 2nd husband say the exact same thing to you that your first husband did.
And when that happened, I had a choice.
I could think they were both assholes and not telling the truth.
Or I could figure that there was one true common denominator in the equation and it was me.
I chose the 2nd option.
As painful as it was, I decided that if I did nothing else, I could figure out how the hell I got to where I was. And I could learn to make better choices.
And I tried at the marriage. I really did.
It finally got to the point where I said to him “look, we need counseling and if you’re not going to go, I’ll go by myself”
He agreed to go.
And we went for a few months until our therapist fired us.
Yeah… It was that bad.
But I still wanted to figure out what the hell happened.
I wanted to know where I went and how I lost my voice.
I needed to find me again.
And so I dug into Spirituality. I went to meditations, I read, I found teachers. I’d been doing it all along, but now I had a goal and a cause.
I was tired of living a lie.
I wanted to find the truth.
My 2nd husband had one philosophy that served me “happy wife, happy life”.
So whatever I wanted to learn, whatever helped me grow and be more peaceful… He was happy to pay for.
And that was when I took the Manuy Ki rites and met my first guide.
And then I met The Grannies. My ancestral guides.
And I met a guide named Shanti who told me that I had a black spot on my heart.
And that was when a friend who was also a therapist taught me about Internal Family Systems so that I could manage all the parts of myself that transformed and changed and protected me by creating chaos in order to protect my inner child.
I learned meditation, I learned to strengthen my Intuition. I learned to hold space for others.
And one night I went to a large group healing. And for some reason, I watched energetic healers and kept putting myself at the back of the line for a reading.
And when I finally got my Angel reading… The girl said “The Angels don’t have an answer to your question, they want you to know… That you know… You always know.”
And that was when I realized… That yes… I’ve always known. Since I was a child… I’ve KNOWN. I’ve always had some force that has kept me from complete disaster… And danger.
I just know.
And slowly, I started telling the truth to my friends and they still loved me.
Slowly… I told the truth to everyone but my husband.
And around that time I got my first Angel Card deck. For some reason I kept pulling the “Truth and Integrity” card.
I really hated that card.
And it took me a while. But eventually I told the truth to my husband. And told him I wanted a divorce.
It was the fastest, easiest divorce in history. I walked away with enough money to live on for about 6 months, but in our 5 years together, he had paid off my credit cards, paid off my car and kept my family afloat when my first husband couldn’t pay child support. He paid for my education and anything I wanted really. I couldn’t in good conscience take away his business…even tho I could have.
I just wanted out.
I help women live a life of integrity
I help women discover the truth of their lives
I help women discover their Spiritual gifts
I help other women become more of themselves 😊
http://www.yonderstarr.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Starr-Logo-Clean-no-BG-300x243.png00Starr And Scotthttp://www.yonderstarr.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Starr-Logo-Clean-no-BG-300x243.pngStarr And Scott2018-03-16 01:27:572018-03-16 01:27:57Chapter 3 - Living a Lie
And well… I’ve told my kids that I will pay for their therapy. Still… They seem to be ok so far.
It was crazy.
I so wanted to do anything rather than feel the pain of the loss of 20 years of being married to someone I grew up with, had children with, depended on… For everything.
And believe me when I say… I was not fun to be married to.
I just shake my head.
But anyway… It ended, and I threw myself into the dating world. I was in search of the TRUE love of my life.
Funnily enough, I pretty much thought that just about every guy who came along was THE ONE.
Even while declaring that the only one to rescue me was me.
Even while I tried to deal with the absolute anger that I felt… There were levels of rage that came out that terrified me.
Even while I was the model of strength and understanding at work.
Yeah… I was living a lie… I stayed busy so that I could keep running away from the truth.
My weekdays were filled with the image of the dependable single mom who had everything handled.
My weekends were absolute mayhem. I was a picture of extremes.
And then… I fell in love with someone who told me…HE SAID OUT LOUD TO ME… that he wasn’t boyfriend material.
It didn’t matter.
My love would change him.
I could fix him.
He would be so grateful for my eternal love that one day he would look at me and realize that he needed me and loved me above all others.
I still roll my eyes at that one.
And by now, you know the rest of the story.
I broke my heart.
I did it… It wasn’t his fault. I didn’t listen.
I built this fantasy world and ended up dancing by myself…it was me. I betrayed myself.
And so, when I met a man who was completely opposite of my bad boy “not boyfriend material” guy…
I dove right in.
I mean seriously… Why would I ever stop to actually heal when I could just find someone else?
And all it took was to just be who this new guy wanted me to be.
Even tho it wasn’t really me.
Even tho I hadn’t actually taken the time to figure out if I really wanted to be with him.
Even tho he told me his business would always come first.
I thought I could fix him.
I thought he would change.
I thought he would be so grateful..
And when he asked me to marry him… I said yes.
Because I didn’t know how to say no.
And I got caught in my own trap.
Funnily enough… On our wedding night I snuck off to bed by myself… Without saying good night to him or anyone else… And went to sleep.
Who does that?
I help women who aren’t sure who they are
I help women who have everything in their life handled except that one thing
I help women who would really love to claim their own power over their own life.
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I don’t know if you would believe it or not knowing me now…
But I used to be a hot mess…
Marriage number 1 lasted for about 20 years
I was a drama queen. I couldn’t keep a secret to save my life. People were always mad at me for that… Well and for saying things I shouldn’t say and for being someone with one person but then a completely different person with another.
And yet… I Still had wisdom, people still came to me for advice… Because somehow I always KNEW what the right answer was for them.
Well, but then…at 18 years of marriage I said those fateful words “I’ve never been so happy”
That was a mistake.
Because a few months later, my husband told me that he hadn’t been happy for a long time.
And I went insane.
So insane that my actions led to our eventual separation and divorce.
And then I really want insane.
And still, somehow, I always lived on the brink of disaster but never quite crossed the line to ACTUAL disaster.
I remember how afraid I was to be single… How terrifying it was to consider actually making it out in the world on my own.
But then one night, I remember after a particularly brutal fight, I decided anything would be better than that.
And then there were the many nights spent on my bathroom floor… Crying my eyes out wondering what was wrong with me.
But then I’d get up the next morning and begin again.
I’ll be honest, it got worse before it got better.
But it did get better.
I’m here, years later I guess it’s been 13 years since the end.
I’m someone I like.
I’m a secret keeper.
I trust myself.
And others trust me.
And people come to me for help… Not just because I know what will work for them, but because I’ve lived what didn’t work.
And believe me when I say… There is zero judgment because if I haven’t made your particular flavor of mistake, I’m related to someone who has 🙂
I specialize in helping women who have funky relationship patterns.
And I help people who have an inkling of wanting something more but have no clue where to start.
Well… And I help you learn to love yourself… Despite the funky choices you’ve made.
Cuz there really aren’t any funky choices… There are only lessons.
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I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.
I define myself by the courage I have found to forge new roads.
I do not define myself by how many disappointments I have faced.
I define myself by the forgiveness and faith I have found to begin again.
I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.
I define myself by how I have Loved and have been willing to Love again, and how I still Love
I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.
I do not define myself by how often I have appeared a fool.
I define myself by the number of risks I have taken.
I do not define myself by the number of mistakes I have made.
I define myself by the Knowledge I have learned from trying a new way.
I am Not my pain…
I am Not my past…
I am that which has emerged from the fire!
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http://www.yonderstarr.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Starr-Logo-Clean-no-BG-300x243.png00Starr And Scotthttp://www.yonderstarr.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Starr-Logo-Clean-no-BG-300x243.pngStarr And Scott2017-10-20 20:39:172017-10-20 20:57:44Inspiration: 10-20-17
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“If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do.”
And it’s true…but at what cost?
We’re building a life here, not just a business. I don’t want to be known as a busy person
Yet, I noticed the other day that, more and more, I hear the words from my friends and family “I know you’re busy…”
“Is that it? Is that who I want to be?” I asked my Self.
And the answer is…”No…not so much.”
You may ask yourself what the hell does that have to do with running a business? And I will tell you this…
It has everything to do with running a business
Are you so busy making a living that you forget the make a life?
If you are happy being that way, that is wonderful and more power to you…the world needs people like you.
But, if you’re not, if you would rather find that elusive work/life balance Then here are your tools for doing so:
First…Hire a VA…had to say it…I can’t go thru this blog without saying it 😉
But really and truly, if you are looking for that balance, here’s what to do
Meditate – Meditation has done wonders in helping me to focus. I highly recommend the Calm app. It’s free as well as paid. There’s enough good stuff in the free part to keep it that way. I’m experimenting with the paid and it’s really, really good too. If you’re looking to start a steady practice, this is the way to go. It keeps a calendar of your sessions and even reminds you to breathe!
Rest – I had a mentor coach tell me once, “Rest Is part of my business plan”. You have to. Take a break. If you’re pushing against something, get up, walk away and come back to it. If you think you have taken too much rest…give yourself another 5 minutes Schedule yourself a lunch or an afternoon or morning off. You need to be fresh for the MOUNTAIN of things you do already.
Follow your Joy – Seriously…don’t do shit you hate. Follow your joy! Have a passion! If you can afford it, hire somebody to do the stuff you hate to do, if not, break it into chunks and/or do it at the beginning of your day…it’s called “eating the frog”… Mark Twain once said “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.”
Don’t let “perfect” get in the way of good enough. I am shaking my head at this one. I am a perfectionist by nature, well part of me is. And that part can be brutal. Sometimes, it’s ok to remember that your 85% is like most people’s 100%. As a Super-Achiever, it is really ok to hold back 15% of your energy. Save it for when it’s really needed.
Feel your feelings – If your brain is in overdrive, if you are feeling overwhelmed it’s a sure sign that you have missed a feeling or two along the way. Humans are emotion processing machines and if you stuff down your feelings, your body is going to have to deal with it. At some point the bill will come due. Use your feelings as a barometer that something is off. Locate it, address it…and move on. Remember to keep your vision pointed forward because that is where you going. Holding on to the past only keeps you stuck there.
Put the phone down, turn the computer off. Scott and I literally spend the entire day and night with each other, It’s not uncommon for us to start work in the office, take a break, talk about a social media strategy for a client, go back to the office and work on it, take dinner, talk about another client proposal, or plans for the future expansion. At some point, we’ve learned, we have to turn it off. I’ve learned to pay attention when he is speaking to me, and I put my phone down, face down in do not disturb mode and focus on him. He’s learned to turn off the computer and call it a day. Then go do something fun…and non business related.
Step back – I call this the Nose to the Grindstone pitfall. It’s when you have your nose right up against the grindstone and you can’t see anything else. Take your hand…put it up against your nose. You can’t see the details; you miss the fine lines, the beauty that is your hand. You have to learn to look at your life from 1000 feet up. See how things intertwine and relate. Know that you are moving towards your destiny. It really IS happening. How you think; whether your thoughts are clear or cloudy will affect the ebb and flow of events.
Remember you can’t give from an empty well, yes, it is your passion, and yes you are the best at what you do…we know! And…it really is ok to find that work life balance, breathe and take really…really good care of yourself!
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